Questions

At this moment I am writing to sort things out and attempt to release.

A good friend of mine called today to tell me some awesome news--he got offered a fantastic job in the place--the only place--that he wanted to be... an amazing place in a position where, hopefully, he can make a difference. To hold the aspirations to get a job there may have been considered high hopes, holding on to the dream knowing that it may never come to fruition. He had moved on half heartily, but still remained open to possibility. It happened; I should be completely excited for him.

I'm finding it difficult not be more jealous than happy for him, and, on many levels, I hate myself for it. We actually have applied to jobs within the same organization, but doing completely different things. The rational side of my brain is slightly reassured that the process that is supposed to occur is happening. His skills fit the job perfectly; I am not even qualified for that position. The need for the position that he got is seen as higher priority than the one that I want. It is frustrating to me because in this process I have no control and little information. There is nothing I can do to help myself anymore than I have. I can't expedite the outcome. It truly is not the fact that he got that position, though, that makes me feel so envious... it is more that the dream we both share didn't elude him. It captured him. I just have to wait... and hope the dream finds me, too...

...and ponder: What am I going to do if it doesn't work out? If the dream escapes me, which I know that it could, what is my plan? And how long is too long to wait? And will it always sting knowing that he is there and I am not? The questions, and the murkiness of the answers, hurt surprisingly so.

How do I grow so that the happiness that I wish I sincerely felt... that I want to feel... that I do feel somewhere hidden below my own issues... is what surfaces and remains?

The first time he called I was shocked, so happiness emerged and the jealousy hadn't the time to set in. The second time he called to talk more details and I let it go to voicemail. I texted him the obligatory congratulations and typed I couldn't wait to hear all about his experiences, only a small lie that I want to become truth.

I am praying for grace and strength, and holding on to hope for acceptance, growth, and that I capture my own dream, too.


Time: 18:48
Place: Park School Track
Weather: Blech!
Distance: 2 mile Time Trial
Feeling: Push as hard as you can...
Overall grade: B-